SOUTHWEST ASIA — A recent study kept secret by CENTCOM shows that mobile porn sites work best on the base chapel's wifi, sources have confirmed.

According to the joint-service team of researchers, the chapel wifi provides a faster and more consistent streaming capability to users of PornHub, xVideos, and other popular adult websites. Two groups of 45 males and 5 females were monitored to determine whether identical phones could better stream pornographic videos via mobile hotspots or the chapel's wifi.

"The results seemed to show fairly consistently that porn sites load and stream more smoothly using the chapel's wireless network than a personal wifi puck," says Sr. Airman Ronald Jeremiah, a Scientific Applications Specialist who is part of the research team. "Sometimes the wifi pucks performed better but we attribute that to how many users besides our teams were streaming from the chapel."