ARLINGTON NATIONAL CEMETERY, Va. — Secretary of Veterans Affairs Denis McDonough held a press conference this morning on the steps of the Memorial Amphitheater to announce that all VA offices and clinics will close their parking lots for a “suicide standdown.”

Standing before the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, the eleventh secretary appointed since 9/11 unveiled yet another effort to increase despondent veteran lifespans. “To paraphrase President Obama,” he said, “if there's even one step we can take to save another veteran, then surely we have an obligation to try.”

McDonough’s edict comes on the heels of a report by his agency’s Task Force Veteran Intra-Vehicular Self Murders. “The report makes it clear,” he said. “VA parking lots have a direct correlation to head wounds.”

“Our cemetery administration office suspects it’s because a parking space looks roughly the size of a grave site,” McDonough said as his hand swept across Arlington’s fields of white stone markers. “So, we’ll consider resizing the lines during our suicide standdown. We might also paint over the goth blacktop with something like a happy pink.”