VA launches negative disability ratings to fill budget gaps

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WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs will introduce reverse disability ratings in an effort to address its perennial budget shortfalls, sources confirmed today. Beginning in 2026, the VA will assign negative disability ratings to veterans, charging them for any physical or mental health “improvements” resulting from their service.

Officials say veterans will be re-evaluated not for disabilities incurred during service but for any perceived health benefits. And they have high hopes for the program, following a wildly successful trial with federal prisoners.

“Too many veterans have been improved through their service, and honestly, we think they owe us,” said one VA official, speaking on condition of anonymity. “For example, I saw one freeloader skip the line for the TSA. It’s frankly shameful. You get shot, and all of a sudden, you’re above lines?”

Among the items veterans might be billed for:

Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.

A State Department map that relocated most of Africa, one ambitious government travel card, and 5,200 medical students moved from dorms that definitely do not have mold.

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