BOULDER, Colo. — A local veteran was seen shaking his head in disbelief at the number of years that have passed before he reached the crystal clear conclusion that he needs to murder the shit out of some innocent civilians minding their own business, sources confirmed today.
“It’s so obvious now, I’m really actually quite embarrassed,” said Trevor Hernandez, a Colorado native who completed two tours in Afghanistan and was sent home during his third deployment for traumatic brain injuries suffered from an IED blast.
“I can’t begin to even describe the catharsis I’ve yearned for since being thrust into the horrors of war,” he added. “The simple notion that the closure to my living nightmare may be waiting at an ice rink, or perhaps a happy family venue like a Chuck E. Cheese’s, has really lifted my spirits.”
