FORT CAMPBELL—Chief Warrant Officer Second Class James Allread, a maintenance technician in 626th Brigade Support Battalion (Assurgam), may have inadvertently performed a task late last week, sources claim. The 34-year-old vehicle mechanic has been assigned to 626th BSB for four years and has deployed with the unit twice.

“I wasn’t sure what I was seeing,” said one witness, Spc. Arlana Prentiss, a wheeled vehicle mechanic from Vidor, Texas. “There we were, kind of slacking off when we were supposed to be swapping in a new engine on HHC-5, when Chief walked by with his coffee cup and cigarette, and disconnected the battery cables.”

“I almost crapped myself,” she added.

The other assembled maintenance soldiers, "plus a supply clerk who was hanging around because she’s letting Sgt. Terrell fingerbang her," were shocked as well, Prentiss noted. When they reported the rare occasion to their peers, the story was met with disbelief and cries of fraud.

“There’s just no way,” said 1st Lt. Jason Bertling, of the 3-187 Infantry Battalion. “Not only do I know Chief Allread, but I also know warrants. There’s no way he, or any warrant officer, would ever do any work. At least not voluntarily.”

At press time, the secret warrant officer brotherhood had stripped Allread of his decoder ring, lapel pin and tie tack pending further investigation. Anonymous sources in the organization confirmed that if Allread is found to have indeed performed a task, he will be publicly drawn and quartered, and the pieces sent to the four corners of the earth.