PARIS, France – Beyond being banged up, bruised and shaken, the lone gunman who opened fire on a high-speed train bound from Amsterdam to Paris last weekend told local media outlets today that the worst injury of all was to his ego.

“I never imagined my jihad would be stopped dead in its tracks by an airman and a weekend warrior,” confessed Ayoub El Khazzani, who simultaneously set two Pan-Arabian records on Friday for “Most Bullets Fired in Erratic Hail with Zero Infidel Fatalities” and “Most Heavily-Armed Terrorist to Be Subdued by Infidel with Bare Hands.”

“When the media initially reported that I had been subdued by U.S. Marines, I thought, ‘Hey Ayoub, that’s not bad for a would-be mass murderer,’” he sighed. “Curse your western journalism.”