THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced new plans today to replace the U.S. military’s longstanding “all-volunteer” recruiting model with an “all-voluntold” one.

“We took a look at the numbers and realized we needed a better model for attracting America’s best and brightest into the ranks,” said Matthew Donovan, the Undersecretary of Defense for Personnel and Readiness. “The all-volunteer force successfully got us through the darkest days of the Cold War and the War on Terror. But looking to the future, we believe the all-voluntold force will help us acquire the best talent the country has to offer, whether they like it or not.”

Donovan says the change harkens back to the greatest days in American history, like the Civil War and both World Wars, where “any schmuck with arched feet and a pulse” could be “thrown into the meat grinder.” 

The Pentagon has spent years researching and analyzing the best militaries from throughout the ages to gather insights that will prepare the services for the future fight.