WASHINGTON — Pentagon spokesman Sean Parnell declared today that the U.S. military is “achieving irreversible momentum” in the War on America, citing improved kill-to-loot ratios and a steady uptick in PowerPoint slide animations.

Standing outside the National Guard Memorial Museum flanked by uniformed soldiers from the Army and Air Guard, Parnell praised recent gains in “domestic theaters of operation,” including Portland, Memphis, San Francisco, and Los Angeles.

“We’re seeing continuous and irreversible progress in these contested zones,” said Parnell. “Enemy combatants — primarily liberals, immigrants, and persons not in the immediate blast radius of Toby Keith — are withdrawing or blending back into the civilian population.”

Parnell highlighted Regional Domestic Command-West’s success in the Portland sector, noting that key missions have transitioned to local forces — specifically, Oregon state police and loosely affiliated militia groups operating under the supervision of Army National Guard Special Forces advisors.

“19th [Special Forces] Group is shifting to a TA3E posture — train, advise, assist, accompany, and enable,” Parnell said. “In practical terms, that means we’re giving Americans the tools to fight other Americans, more Americanly.”

Some skeptics say otherwise. 

“This is typical Pentagon weasel wording,” said Jeremiah Cotts, editor of the Canada-based Unflinching Patriot, an underground independent news outlet and podcast. “They continue to play shell games with the numbers and restrict access to the free press. The big beautiful bottom line is they have no exit strategy. This whole thing has become a quagmire.” 

Cotts pointed to reported victories by the totally not a real organization Antifa in areas where the National Guard is said to control the terrain. 

“19th Group is stepping back alright,” Cott said, “They’re getting out. They don’t have the numbers. I mean, they barely had them before, but the 2025 Razor Purge gutted retention!”