THE PENTAGON — In his ongoing effort to increase military lethality and combat readiness, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has issued a new directive that “racial and sexual” insults will now not only be allowed, but their use will also be mandatory, sources confirmed today.

“The military is supposed to be full of fearless warriors,” said Pentagon SpokesMAN Chad Robinson, “but because of ‘woke,’ they’ve become whiny …” he paused, eyes half-closed as if savoring the next moment: “…little bitches. This changes now.”

According to the directive, approved slurs and punchlines will be phased in over the coming months. For example, names and “zingers” questioning another service member’s sexual orientation are allowed immediately.

“Racial and sexual jokes and epithets are fundamental tools in building a proper esprit de corps,” said retired Army Col. David Jones, author of Military Life Was Perfect Before 1948. “It’s essential that soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airMen realize that just because someone uses a word that maligns their ethnic or sexual identity, it doesn’t mean they aren’t liked. Quite the contrary: it means the user of the epithet probably thinks they’re cool.”

“So chill out,” he added.

“Lighthearted slurs like ‘homo’ and ‘queer’ can create a fun, ‘locker room’ environment that really enhances warrior lethality,” said Special Assistant to the Secretary of Defense Bryn Woollacott MacDonnell. “Especially since the trans soldiers aren’t around anymore. And for the ladies, all words that imply hot lesbianism are also approved.”