The following is a point/counterpoint discussion about ratfucking the company’s supply of MREs. The point will be presented by Staff Sgt. Ben Melitta, supply NCO for Blackjack Troop, 1st Squadron, 11th Armored Cavalry Regiment, Fort Irwin, California. The counterpoint will be presented by Spc. William Cohaagen, who really wants some M&Ms.

POINT: Napoleon once said an army travels on its stomach, and the U.S. Army is no different. Besides giving warfighters the calories they need to accomplish the mission, food is crucial to soldier morale. That’s why it’s important for you jackholes to stop ratfucking the MREs.

COUNTERPOINT: Sgt. Melitta is having his fifth smoke break of the day — holler if you see him coming back. [Flips open his 5.11 knife with a click.] I want some fucking M&Ms — Sgt. Vasquez has me on the fat boy program, and if I eat one more salad I’m gonna slap the bitch out of him.

POINT: Every soldier starts learning the Army Values on the first day of Basic Combat Training. Loyalty, duty, respect … okay, seriously, if you look up “blue falcon” in the dictionary, you’ll see some asshole ratfucking the MREs. It’s pissing me off, and I’m gonna Scooby-Doo this shit and find out who’s doing it.