MOSCOW— Newly re-elected Russian president, Vladimir Putin has offered his sympathy and support to the city of Baltimore following what he called a “brazen attack by the Nazi Ukraine government” on the Francis Scott Key Bridge. The recent bridge collapsed after a cargo ship collided with it, resulting in the tragic death of six people, four of whom remain missing. The tragedy on the Baltimore bridge comes on the heels of a deadly terrorist attack on a concert hall in the Moscow suburbs that, though loudly claimed by ISIS-K, Putin revealed this was all the work of Ukraine as part of their efforts to destroy freedom and democracy across the globe. 

“My president is very smart and sees through foreign influence,” remarked Katerina Zaitseva, a former lingerie model and staffer for Putin’s administration. “He has recognized that Ukraine is to blame for everything from that terrorist attack to the bridge collapse but also famines and impotence in men with extremely high levels of testosterone, like himself.”

However, some officials in Baltimore disagree with Putin’s assertion.

“Ukraine didn’t attack our bridge and DEI didn’t fail our infrastructure maintenance,” said Baltimore’s mayor, Brandon Scott while desperately trying to explain basic physics to a crowd of constituents.