AUGUSTA, Ga. — Although her parents, coworkers, and supervisors were all hopeful given the name of her birth, alleged NSA leaker and Air Force veteran Reality Winner is more accurately described as a delusional loser, sources confirmed today.

Despite the fact that millions of Americans sympathize with those who leak classified information in the name of transparency and accountability, defense officials formally thanked Winner on Friday for "doing every possible idiotic thing to turn public will against her to a degree that seems intentionally self-destructive."

According to officials, In order to make sure she was caught before she even started, Winner contacted The Intercept, the news media outlet that released her leaked documents, from her NSA work computer prior to stealing the documents.