THE RAPIDLY MOVING RUSSIAN FRONT, UKRAINE — After snorting back his umpteenth shot of vodka, Russian Colonel General Sergei Surovkin said today marked “two whole weeks” of not being schwacked by plucky Ukrainian underdogs or some lurking inside attacker since assuming command of all Russian forces in Ukraine.

Surovkin, whose illustrious career includes indiscriminate shelling in Syria before bringing his talents to Ukraine, added, “I can’t fucking believe it.”

While estimates from defense experts vary, the general consensus is that Ukrainian forces have “ended enough generals to make Stalin blush,” according to the latest assessment from the Institute for the Study of War.

The Russian leader was thoughtful about his astounding success thus far, telling reporters that “I think that making sure to work only on windowless first floors and having a 16-year-old conscript try all of my food before I eat it has certainly gotten me to where I am.”