WASHINGTON, D.C. — Just one week after the Secret Service failed to stop a man from jumping the fence and entering the White House, lawmakers are moving forward with a plan to secure 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue with elite contractors from Uganda, Duffel Blog has learned.

"Bringing in Ugandan contractors will really tighten up security at the White House," Gen. Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, told reporters. "Have you ever tried to get through a Ugandan guarding a dining facility overseas without showing so much as a proper ID? You'll go hungry that day, guaranteed."

Desperate to escape the poverty and unemployment in their native home, Ugandans have successfully served in security contract roles throughout the Middle East. Over the past decade they have developed a reputation as one of the best security forces in the modern world.