WALTER REED MEDICAL CENTER…SORRY, SAN JUAN, PUERTO…UH NOPE, ZOOM MEETING ID 394297…F*CK IT, WHO KNOWS—In a private ceremony at an undisclosed location President Biden presented Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin with a new award created especially for him: the Sick Call Ranger tab.

“We all know soldiers love their tabs, and this week Lloyd went so far beyond the standard that I felt compelled to create a new honor just for the occasion,” stated Biden. “With a background of crumpled Kleenexes and a border of embroidered gold bricks, the Sick Call Ranger tab will only be awarded to those who demonstrate superlative skill in shamming their duties. Lloyd’s set the bar high as the first recipient of this honor.”

Initial reports claimed that Secretary Austin had been hospitalized for a week due to complications following surgery and just made an “oopsie” in not telling anyone else in the executive branch. Yet as each day passed, new details emerged highlighting the elaborate nature of Austin’s scheme.

“Frankly, I was a little suspicious when the Secretary came in one morning and handed me a no-stand LIMDU chit signed by an external provider just before the Army-Navy game,” said Chief of Staff Kelly Magsamen. “It was entirely unnecessary, but I just assumed that after 40 years it was a habit he couldn’t break. We all know there’s no PT test for the SecDef but he always makes a big deal about being exempted every year anyway.”