YOUR BASE — Sources confirmed your sociopathic, completely worthless non-commissioned officer (NCO) who makes your life a living hell has a wife and kids who love him while you’re going to die alone.

"That E-6 who is a horrible person who you have no respect for," said Private First Class Dwayne Robertson, "He actually has a family. It's hard to believe, and there's someone for everyone, but you'll probably never know because you're sitting on base all the time."

According to two high-level sources, Staff Sgt. Timothy Edwards not only convinced a woman to go on a date with him, but eventually got her to marry him and father a child who — contrary to what you may have thought — was not the spawn of Satan. It’s amazing that a woman wants to spend her life with a horrible person like Edwards while you’re a completely nice guy who can’t get a date with anyone, sources told reporters.