FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — Following recent domestic terrorist attacks, senior leaders of the Special Operations community have organized a hasty symposium at Joint Special Operations Command headquarters to address a critical vulnerability revealed by the tragedies, sources confirmed today.

“Our community has faced its share of struggles in recent years, and the events of January 1st show that we can no longer paper over our shortcomings,” said Marine Col. Francis Jessup of Marine Special Operations Command. “America watched firsthand as an Army computer nerd executed a complex, multilayered mass casualty attack while a few states over, a special operator cooked himself in a Cybertruck like a pastry at the Pop-Tarts Bowl. Our nation expects only the best from SOF, including their transition to the crazed veteran life, and we fell short. Starting on January 2nd, we will — we must — do better.”

The attacks Jessup referred to occurred in New Orleans and Las Vegas. In the first, a former Army Human Resources and information technology specialist planted multiple improvised explosive devices before driving a truck through packed crowds and engaging in a shootout with police. The second incident involved a Green Beret who parked a Cybertruck in front of the Trump Hotel in Vegas and shot himself before setting off incendiaries that included fireworks and camp stove fuel.

“The ATF agent who said he expected greater sophistication in the explosive based on Green Beret training captured the problem in a nutshell,” admitted Jessup. “We’ve lost our edge, and that’s clear from the composition of the bomb to the choice of vehicle. A Cybertruck? Really? It’s such a piece of shit that no one could tell if a car bomb happened or the car just did that.”