FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Pfc. Dylan McAllister, a self-proclaimed apolitical soldier, is absolutely thrilled about his upcoming deployment to the Middle East, where he will be tasked with countering the latest geopolitical nightmare of Russian-backed Chinese Iranians, sources confirmed today.

“I’ll agree to this interview so long as we don’t touch on politics,” McAllister told Duffel Blog while polishing some already-excessively polished boots. “I just want to do my job, follow orders, and not think about all that foreign policy blah blah blah.”

While it was unclear why McAllister was polishing boots, he said it helped him focus on the mission at hand, which defense officials say is to deter international escalation by ensuring current political leaders remain in power and free trade is maintained throughout the region.

“I just don’t see how our presence there will be about politics,” McAllister said.