FORT CAVAZOS, TX — In a dilemma increasingly common among service members, Army Specialist John Richards is facing a tough career decision: whether to start a professional profile on LinkedIn or to dive into the world of content creation on OnlyFans.

“It’s a real crossroads moment for me,” Richards admitted while scrolling through his phone. “On one hand, LinkedIn could help me network and land a solid job after the Army. On the other, I hear you can make a killing on OnlyFans just by showing off your daily PT routine and doing feet stuff.”

Richards’ squad leader, Sgt. First Class Mike Bossman, is perplexed by the situation. “I told him to think about his future, maybe get some certifications or a degree, definitely invest in his TSP. Next thing I know, he’s asking me if he should invest in a ring light or a thong.”