This week in American power projection: the map was wrong, the dorms were fine, and the travel card was for official purposes.
Story Roundup
Pentagon casualties, metric improvement, and Fat Leonard’s least dignified phase.
Situation Report
Specialist admits secret to fitness is meth
To be fair, he also drank Monster.
FORT BENNING, Ga. — Army Spc. Jessy Jessup III revealed to his squad today that the secret to crushing the new Army Combat Fitness Test (ACFT) is, in fact, methamphetamines.
"We sort of always knew something was going on with Jessup. We called him ‘The Twitch,’” said Sgt. Sputters, Jessup's squad leader. “We just assumed he really liked Monsters, though.”
Most Army Rangers and Green Berets were not surprised by news of Navy SEAL drug use, but Army officials say there is more alarm over soldiers using performance-enhancing drugs and getting away with it.
"That's when I realized," Pvt. Jessup told a Duffel Blog correspondent. "If the SEAL people, Special Forces folks, and failed military Instagram influencers can all do it, dadgummit, why not me?"
More Stories
Army Reserve adopts 'Nothing we do today is more important than lunch' as new recruiting slogan
SECDEF_Nice
|
Hegseth mistakes getting older for declining military standards
SECDEF_Nice
|
Duffel Blog’s Top 13 ideas for solving the Iran War
Duffel Blog Staff
|
Americans begin thanking troops for future service
Carl
|
Pentagon limits combat casualties to normal business hours
Bad Lawyer
|
DoD reclassifies sexual assault as 'flirting' under new policy
Duffel Blog Staff
|
Duffel Labs
A field desk of military mischief and useful bad ideas
Pentagon Buzzword Generator
Generate authentic defense jargon.
Pocket NCO
Leadership advice with a knife hand.
Navy SEAL Book Generator
One click. Instant airport bestseller.
DD-214 Fortune Teller
Your civilian future, declassified.
Military Speech Builder
Remarks for ceremonies and mandatory fun.
Veteran Benefits Finder
Find benefits you might have missed.
View all Labs tools →
