FORT BENNING, Ga. — Army Spc. Jessy Jessup III revealed to his squad today that the secret to crushing the new Army Combat Fitness Test (ACFT) is, in fact, methamphetamines.
"We sort of always knew something was going on with Jessup. We called him ‘The Twitch,’” said Sgt. Sputters, Jessup's squad leader. “We just assumed he really liked Monsters, though.”
Most Army Rangers and Green Berets were not surprised by news of Navy SEAL drug use, but Army officials say there is more alarm over soldiers using performance-enhancing drugs and getting away with it.
"That's when I realized," Pvt. Jessup told a Duffel Blog correspondent. "If the SEAL people, Special Forces folks, and failed military Instagram influencers can all do it, dadgummit, why not me?"
