THE PENTAGON  — As the nation reckons with the aftermath of a second assassination attempt on former President Trump, the Department of Defense is actively looking for ways to prevent this from ever happening again while examining how the attacks were thwarted.

The former President has survived both attacks on his life, and top Pentagon officials think they may know why: thick layers of artificial tanner and copious amounts of Diet Coke. Given his advanced age and ability to dodge bullets, the DoD and U.S. Public Health Services Commissioned Corps have begun studying the effectiveness and implementation of these substances, starting at the source. 

“It is no secret that President Trump is a big fan of a healthy lifestyle,” says USPHSCC doctor, Cmdr. Deena Loomer. “He golfs frequently and uses a sunless tanner instead of baking his skin in the harsh sunlight. On top of that, he stays away from alcohol and prefers to drink a no-calorie soda alternative. Pretty smart, if you ask me!”

Even Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin agrees.