THE PENTAGON – The Department of Defense has announced that in the future, all strategic analysis will be outsourced to private corporations. The defense contractor Booz Allen Hamilton is expected to replace the tens of thousands of “strategists” across the Department of Defense with a much smaller number of consultants, sources confirmed today.

Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, who announced the move at a press conference on Monday, said that his decision to outsource strategy was driven by his frustration with the strategists currently serving.

“We have a lot of people running around, using scare quotes, drinking craft beer and claiming to be ‘strategists,’” he told reporters. “No one cares what they say or think. Their titles are absurd and self-important. What we need are people to come up with reasonable advice on how to achieve optimized results in a disrupted world. And let’s be honest, a group of Harvard Business School graduates are radically more prepared to employ buzzwords like that than guys educated at Leavenworth.”