SOUTH PACIFIC OCEAN – On the Coast Guard Cutter Venturous, the crew hosted its annual talent show in order to boost morale during the long patrol. However, after all the contestants displayed their various talents, command judges have predictably chosen that one smug asshole with the ukulele as the winner.

The four judges, who consisted of three members of senior command staff and an E-3 just to be cute, graded the contestants on individuality, preparation, and crowd reaction. Granted it had seemed that they already made up their minds considering one performer was juggling spanner wrenches, while another armpit-farted the Semper Paratus song, and another eyebrow danced to Luis Fonsi’s ‘Despacito’.

“I had a feeling that happy-go-lucky piece of shit would win,” said Boatswains Mate First Class Henry Mills, who performed a beatbox routine while dressed as a robot.