AFGHANISTAN — Nonprofit organization the Taliban called an emergency Board of Directors meeting earlier this week after its largest donor the United States of America pulled all financial support, sources say.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I appreciate the great work you’ve all been doing, but I would not have called you here if the circumstances were anything less than dire,” said Taliban leader Hibatullah Akhundzada. “Pretty much our entire budget was reliant on Uncle Sam, and we need to find some new sources of cash flow ASAP.”

The Taliban said it will be able to continue operating for a few months on donations from individual opium traffickers and through extortion and assassination-related fundraising drives, but it won’t be able to thrive in the long run without finding another superpower with deep pockets and very little accountability to invade Afghanistan.