Ghazni Province — The Taliban of Naw Abad Village announced its annual Spring Offensive and Bake Sale, alerting locals to brace themselves for errant RPG fire and an onslaught of delicious passion fruit scones.

The sale is set to begin immediately following Saturday morning’s ambush at the Habibi Road Bazaar. Now in the final week of preparations, fighters are working overtime to put finishing touches on both suicide vests and iced cakes.

"It’s a crazy time of year for us. If you’re not using your pressure cooker to build a bomb you’d better be using it to firm up a cheesecake," warned local Taliban leader Ahmed Khan.

The Islamist militant group first entertained the idea of a bake sale in 2010 when it came across kitchen supplies and appliances left for locals by the U.S. Civil Affairs team as part of a multi-billion dollar infrastructure development program.