YOUR HOME — Fuzzyhugs, the adorable stuffed bear you sent your wife for Valentine’s Day while deployed in Afghanistan, was happy to report that she is really enjoying getting fucked absolutely cross-eyed by your neighbor.

“Yep,” confirmed Fuzzyhugs from his perch atop the cherry walnut credenza that your wife insisted on buying with your money, even though you know the movers are going to ruin it the next time you PCS.

“She sure does love when he plows into her. For hours and hours they go, and she screams loud enough that it hurts my cute little fuzzy ears. She sure does have plenty of those — what does she call them? — ore-basms? And she tells him that she never has them with you. I bet you sure are glad she’s having so much fun while you’re away.”

“Hoo hoo!” he added charmingly, clutching his camouflage-clad tummy and giggling.