ST. LOUIS— Charlotte High School graduate Devin Jaskot will soon enter the Coast Guard’s Officer Candidate School this July for the sole reason of bossing around his fat piece of shit stepdad, Petty Officer 1st Class Carl Barnes, sources confirmed today.

Jaskot’s mother married Barnes in 2016 with much protest from Jaskot. Despite his claims that Barnes was a lazy and pathetic excuse of a man, Jaskot was required to attend his mother’s wedding, with Barnes wearing a wrinkled dress bravo uniform.

“That’s when I took a vow to enter the Coast Guard’s officer training so I can out rank this asshole and tell him to go clean the head,” said Jaskot. “He calls me ‘buddy’ and ‘sport’ and winks at me at the dinner table like some greasy pedophile sailor.”