THE PENTAGON — With so many Thoughts and Prayers being sent to the victims and families of near-weekly mass shootings in the United States, The Troops are now suffering a shortage of their most valuable commodity, sources confirmed today.

“When we ran out of Thoughts and Prayers, we immediately tapped into our strategic reserves of Likes and Shares, mostly from viral Facebook posts showing a soldier kneeling at a cross,” Army Gen. Seamus Flannigan said in a LinkedIn post. “But almost all of those are being diverted to Ukraine right now.”

The Troops, who are only issued their assault weapons after a background check, face-to-face screening, waiting period, and thorough safety training, find themselves pitted against domestic mass murderers who can buy deadlier weapons on credit than any armed service member by simply walking into any local gun store.