FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — Army Maj. Jonathan Dewnot, a man spoken of in the hallways of Fort Liberty with a mixture of dread and shock, has officially announced his anticipation of ascending to the esteemed rank of Toxic Lieutenant Colonel. Known for his “unique” leadership style that many liken to drinking bleach for motivation, Dewnot is ready to expand his horizons of torment.
“I’ve been honing my skills in the fine art of toxic leadership for years, and I’m thrilled to take it up a notch”, declared Maj. Dewnot, while casually flipping through a handbook titled ‘101 Ways to Crush Souls’. “As a Lieutenant Colonel, the scope of my reign and power will broaden. I can’t wait to innovate new methods to ensure my continued unfathomable success at the cost of all those around me.”
Critics and supporters alike are divided on Dewnot’s leadership philosophy. Some argue his tough-as-nails approach is what forges real soldiers, while others believe it forges nothing but therapy bills and transfer requests.
“He’s a legend in the worst possible way,” whispered Sergeant Bob Johnson, who once received a written reprimand for blinking too loudly in Dewnot’s presence. “I thought his current rank gave him enough power to ruin our lives. I fear what fresh hell Lt. Col. Dewnot will unleash.”
Maj. Alice Softshifle, a peer of Dewnot’s well known as a non-toxic leader said, “Dewnot once asked me to submit a PowerPoint slide for him. It was clearly his job to do it but I figured I’d help him out. Not only did he claim it as his own work he also sent me a nasty email about the formatting and cussed me out. A month later he acted like nothing happened and hugged me goodbye when he left. Total psycho.”
