WASHINGTON — A spokesman for the Pentagon has revealed that in addition to being very handsome and good at pull-ups, Secretary of Defense and Also War Pete Hegseth is absolutely hammered at all times. 

Sources say Hegseth, ever the dedicated patriot, maintains a steady blood alcohol content of exactly .1776 in honor of the nation’s founding and also because the cumulative hangover would literally kill him. 

“The Honorable Mr. Hegseth performs a breathalyzer test every morning,” confirmed Pentagon staffer and former Navy DAPA program lead, Nearest Green. “He does this so he can see his kids, drive his car, and most importantly, lead our Department of War.”

Although Hegseth takes a daily breathalyzer, Green noted that there is no required result he needs to achieve. It is his devotion to duty that leads him to strive for .1776 each day.

“People say he’s a blathering drunk,” Green said. “But would a drunk voluntarily take a breathalyzer? Every day? Without it being wired to his truck ignition or his office door knob? I rest my case."

Many veterans, rather than alarmed, found the BAC relatable.

“When I was the CO of my warship, I was tanked non-stop," said retired Naval officer Jay Byrnes. "Sure, I yelled a lot and my handwriting was indecipherable but it helped me cope with a stressful situation. I wasn’t a pansy who needed to go to therapy."

Byrnes said he got through “the three Ds: DUI, divorce, and detached for cause. Like a goddamn warfighter. Hegseth gets it.”

Despite the anecdotal support, medical professionals were less enthusiastic.

“Mr. Hegseth looks to be about 5 '9 and 180 pounds,” Abi Chaudhary, a medical doctor at the Mayo Clinic, estimated before being corrected by a Pentagon staffer. “No. There is no way he is 6’1, absolutely not. Anyway, to maintain a BAC of that level would require him to drink in excess of 9 drinks per hour, every hour, which is basically impossible—”