PALM BEACH, Fla. - In a sign of his growing confidence that he will defeat incumbent President Joe Biden in the 2024 election, former President Donald Trump announced that one of his first executive orders will change the name of the Department of Veterans Affairs in order to better reflect it’s mission. Effective January 21, 2025, the VA will be renamed the Department of Losers and Suckers.

“Given the obvious media bias against Trump, just for telling it like it is, let me be clear this move will only affect the suckers with physical issues no one wants to see, the losers who were too low energy to get out of the way of shrapnel or bullets, or so-called ‘heroes’ who were too lazy to not get captured due to the overwhelming force of an opposing armed combatant,” said the former President and GOP current front runner. “All the hot ones, past and present, particularly that one intel honey that eats at the 82d CAB Dining Facility - oh boy, look out for that one - will be served by the new ‘Department of High Energy Winners’,” said Trump, waving his hands in the shape of feminine curves.

Reactions from across the veteran community were swift.

“He’s on to something here,” said seventy-seven-year-old Vietnam-era National Guard veteran and self-described “real American,” Andy Janklow. “I drilled for two years while completing a master's in accounting. Vietnam would have really derailed that, there was just nothing in it for me. I’m just telling it like it is, like Trump.”