WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite media coverage to the contrary, Congressional sources say Senator Tommy “Coach” Tuberville of Alabama continues to stick to his metaphorical guns by holding up the promotions of military personnel. Even members of his party are stymied by his obstinance on the matter, causing members of the Senate to note his lack of military experience and even question his fitness as a Senator.

But why has Tuberville held up key nominations for months and made a notoriously inefficient bureaucracy even more so? Asked just that, Tuberville donned a jester’s cap and performed a short jig before asking, “Who art ye, doth come to me? If you wish to confirm a he or a she then answer me these riddles three!”.

The puzzling exchange is not Tuberville’s first in the halls of Congress.

“So, I said, “Tommy, I saw in the news that you’re finally going to ‘play ball’ with these confirmations,” recalled Marine Corps veteran and Alaska Senator Dan Sullivan while laughing at his own painful dad joke. “Then he just says ‘What has skin but no bones? What has stitches but is not cut? What is short but goes long?’ Then I remembered he coached Auburn, and knew he was talking about a football.”

“It’s pretty much always about football somehow,” said Joselyn Piedmont, one of Tuberville’s interns, looking exhausted.