WASHINGTON, D.C. – To exact revenge on the Taliban, the Defense Department is turning to Hollywood’s deadliest stars.

Spokesperson Col. Dale Lewis said the DOD intends to hire Liam Neeson for counterterrorism missions, part of U.S. commitment to fighting threats in Afghanistan, evacuating American citizens, and warming hearts. “Mr. Neeson excels in each of those areas,” Lewis said, “he has a very particular set of skills acquired over a very long career, that make him a nightmare for people like the Taliban.”

Lewis said that Neeson has repeatedly demonstrated his comprehensive abilities to eliminate threats from terrorists, criminal gangs, Nazis, kidnappers, the supernatural, obsessed French policemen, vicious wolves, and precocious ten-year-olds.