WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to top Pentagon officials, American military units around the globe have launched into inaction following news that radical militants of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant (ISIS) had seized several major Iraqi cities and were on the move towards Baghdad.

"Each and every service member has been alerted to stay in their home or workplace and do nothing," said one senior defense official. "Further, all leadership is under strict orders to let any talk of Iraq go in one ear and out the other."

Indeed, always ready to answer the call of an ambivalent nation in need, America's soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines are reportedly hard at work throwing boots on desks, reposting half-read articles about the crisis on Facebook, and disinterestedly mentioning news of the country they fought eight years to protect in passing to one another before moving on to more pressing topics of conversation, like weekend plans or personal reviews of summer blockbusters.

"Huh," mustered 1st Sgt. Joey Nelson of Fort Drum, New York, noticing a CNN banner-head declaring the ill-preparedness of Iraqi Security Forces to meet the Islamist threat. "Always said that place was a shithole."