THE PENTAGON — The US Department of State is in absolute chaos following Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri's declaration of war on ISIS, according to sources. The Pentagon remains deadlocked days later, as sources say its foreign policy experts remain unable to decide which of the two groups the US should rush supplies and military advisers to.

"If there's one thing we've learned in the last hundred years," Secretary of State John Kerry said in a statement following the declaration, "it's that funding and supplying terrorist groups never backfires. Look at the thriving, first world nation Libya has become in just the last five years. Cuba is at least slightly less tyrannical than it would have been without the Bay of Pigs. And Afghanistan ... well, it's Afghanistan. This strategy will work here, too. We just need to figure out who will turn on us slower."

Kerry also confirmed rumors that military operations had ground to a halt in the interim.

"For now," Kerry explained, "we'll be standing down all anti-terrorism operations globally, just in case anyone else wants to jump in. We wouldn't want to bomb our allies. Whoever they are or might become."