WASHINGTON — In a major shift after decades of strict grooming standards for veterans, the Department of Veterans Affairs announced today that men would no longer be required to grow beards immediately upon separation from the U.S. military.

“This is going to be controversial, no question,” said Secretary of Veterans Affairs Denis McDonough. “For good reasons, we’ve had an inflexible rule since Vietnam mandating male veterans grow as massive and bristly a beard as fast as possible as soon as they were no longer a member of the armed services. This was to help every veteran look as though they had ‘seen some shit’ and suggest they were maybe high-speed operators.

“But times change,” he continued. “And frankly we’re not fooling anyone.”