WASHINGTON — After a long battle with customer satisfaction issues, the Department of Veterans Affairs—known to friends and coworkers as "VA"— took its own life in a veteran's driveway Tuesday evening after reading the former service member's highly critical post-care survey.

"I tried so hard to make sure patients have something to listen to during their many, many, many hours waiting to see their providers," VA told a police negotiator. "Don't veterans understand how hard it is to make a playlist? We can't just leave ‘Fortunate Son’ on repeat."

VA was extremely familiar with the songs veterans would listen to on deployment playlists, most of which they would play in the waiting rooms to ensure patients were on the verge of a flashback prior to the start of their appointments.