CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Sgt. David Lastley says his homecoming from Afghanistan is bittersweet after redeploying last week to find out his smoking-hot wife had been faithful to him and had not cleaned out his bank account, sources confirmed.

“I mean, it’s great, I guess,” Lastley said, speaking to reporters from the deck of his home, which his supermodel-level wife has kept immaculately clean. “I just, all my buddies have all these stories about how they came home, and their wives had gained like 80 pounds. Or had cleaned out their bank account before rabbiting off to South Padre with some douchebag she was blowing.”

Sgt. Lastley, a squad leader with 2nd Battalion, 6th Marines, also expressed dismay that his wife had not mutated into some shrill harpy, griping at him constantly about inconsequential details and house-related chores that he has not — despite the house being her domain — executed on his own.