NELLIS AFB – Around the world, US soldiers and airmen are incredulous at Russia’s accusations that the United States is behind a recent drone attack on the Kremlin. Some are even envious.

“I’m glad the Russians think we can pull off a complicated, combined, long-range strike with pinpoint accuracy based on perfect intelligence,” said Staff Sergeant Kelly Marburg of the 3000^th Intelligence and Surveillance Wing. “In reality, we’d never keep a lid on that operation. Some fuckwit would stroll out of here with the plans stuffed in his shorts to show off to his doofus gamer friends. So yeah no, our shit would be flying around the internet before the get go.”

A drone operator with the call sign “Mole Rat” said, “If only our intelligence and targeting were that accurate. Last year we helped the Ukrainians in targeting for one strike and all we hit was a vacant McDonald’s knockoff in Donetsk.”