MONTGOMERY, Ala. — The Southern Poverty Law Center has announced it would include prominent American veterans' organizations American Legion and Veterans of Foreign Wars in its listing of hate groups, sources confirmed today.

In a written statement signed by SPLC President J. Richard Cohen, the organization said both the VFW and Legion were included since many of their members sympathize with radical, extreme-right-wing ideals such as freedom, safety, and family values.

“I hate to criminalize a group of decorated war veterans,” Cohen said, from somewhere deep within a fog of pit sweat in his corporate think-tank steam room, where Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Moscow) was seen relaxing in the nude.