THE PENTAGON — Following the surprise decision to provide military funeral honors to Air Force veteran and January 6th tourist Ashli Babbitt, Under Secretary of the Air Force Matthew Lohmeier announced today that Elmendorf Air Force Base will be renamed in her honor.

“Honor delayed is honor denied,” stated Lohmeier after quickly looking under his podium for hidden Marxists. “But that ends today. I’m proud to reveal that the Air Force side of Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson will be renamed in her memory. As that base recently rolled out the red carpet for another distinguished visitor who likes to break things, I can think of no location more fitting to eternally bear her name.”

The controversy over Babbitt’s military funeral honors first arose after her untimely passing during a visit to the Capitol Building with a few of her friends on Jan. 6, 2021.

“Ashli was engaged in a beautification project at the Capitol when she was ruthlessly gunned down by a DEI hire posing as a policeman,” Lohmeier said. “She was a veteran like any other: she did her time in uniform, filmed Facebook rants in the cab of her truck, and occasionally joined in with civic-minded friends to call for the summary execution of the vice president.”

”Maybe the Biden administration thought Ashli’s impish behavior brought ‘discredit to the Air Force,’ but I wasn’t going to let this stand on my watch,” continued Lohmeier. “The image of Ashli bravely mounting the barricade while Markwayne Mullin pissed himself hearkened back to great moments in American arms like the raising of the flag on Iwo Jima. To me, they’re basically the same picture.”

Lohmeier noted that the newly-dubbed Joint Base Babbitt-Richardson was only the first in a new round of base redesignations to be undertaken by Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth.