THE PENTAGON — The Pentagon announced today that former Secretary of Defense/former Secretary of War Pete Hegseth will now hold the title CEO of War, following what officials described as a “full-blown tantrum” during a cabinet meeting.
“Secretary is a lady job!” Hegseth reportedly shouted, while the adults in the room continued their discussions on real issues and tried to ignore him. “I’m not a lady! I’m a big boy! I do push-ups and pull-ups!”
Rather than correct his form or explain the history of the title, defense officials opted to just give him what he wanted.
“We figured renaming the Department of Defense back to the Department of War would shut him up,” said Gen. Dan Caine, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs. “But no, turns out the problem was the word secretary. Which is ironic, considering the man has a makeup studio in the E-Ring.”
Following the announcement, a beaming Hegseth handed out hand-drawn “business cards” featuring his new title written in crayon. Each card came stapled with an invitation to his War CEO Masterclass, a 12-part course on leadership via mirror flexing and yelling “hooah” at interns.
When asked what “CEO” actually stands for, Hegseth replied, “I think it means Cool Exciting Officer.”
