WASHINGTON — Pentagon leadership were stunned this morning to find they no longer had access to the nearly $1 trillion budget approved for the Department of Defense following its recent name change to the Department of War, sources confirmed today.

A senior official from the Department of War Comptroller’s office told reporters that the problem stemmed from the fact that the Defense Appropriations Bill listed the nation’s largest government department as the Department of Defense and not by its new moniker. While seemingly trivial, the executive order mandating the name change was not authorized by Congress, preventing the department from depositing the appropriation check in its Pentagon Federal Credit Union account.

“I can’t deposit the funds if the name on the check doesn’t match the name on the account,” a PenFed teller told Secretary of War and Hair Products Pete Hegseth. “This check clearly states, ‘pay to the order of the Department of Defense.’”