THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced this week that the Pentagon will celebrate America’s 250th birthday by inviting 1,776 strippers to perform throughout the building as part of what officials described as “the largest morale event in Department of Defense history.”

Department spokesman Col. Chester Dorn said Hegseth envisions “exotic and patriotic” entertainment across the Pentagon, including entrances, offices, conference rooms, cafeterias, the library, and — weather permitting — the parking lots.

According to Pentagon officials, Hegseth found inspiration while watching “UFC Freedom 250” at the White House.

“The secretary realized nobody appreciates patriotism expressed through sweaty public spectacles more than the Department of War,” Dorn said. “He also wanted to prove the Interior Department doesn't have a monopoly on showing skin.”

To accommodate the event, stripper poles originally installed with DEI funding will reportedly remain in place.

“The library staff is excited,” Dorn said. “They keep making jokes about how the dancers will dramatically increase circulation.”

Officials said the highest-rated performers will open and close operational briefings, including those involving classified programs.

“Frankly, glitter is exactly what most Pentagon PowerPoint presentations have been missing,” Dorn said.

He dismissed security concerns, noting that “strippers have heard more classified information in military bars than most foreign intelligence services.”

Following an internal request for recommendations, Marines across the force reportedly flooded the Pentagon with detailed submissions.

“One lance corporal sent us preferred stage names, schedules, playlists, Venmo accounts, and what he called a ‘tier list,’” Dorn said. “Frankly, it was one of the most professionally prepared staff products we've received all year.”

Hegseth also encouraged female service members to audition.

“They can honor their country in the way God and the Warrior Ethos intended,” Hegseth said.

Reaction inside the Pentagon has been largely positive.

“My job is making budget slides for colonels,” said Sgt. 1st Class Davis Crower. “If somebody breaks up that monotony with a pole routine, I'll happily tip enough to send...