WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth came out of the gate strong in February. First, he told Ukraine “fat fucking chance” of regaining their Russian-occupied sovereign territory or joining NATO. Then, when offered a chance to continue leading the world in defending against authoritarianism, his alligator arms couldn’t reach the big nuclear deterrent in his back pockets. All in his first month on the job.

To the untrained eye, offering Putin a peace plan that exceeds Russia’s “wildest expectations” might seem the opposite of the secretary’s tough guy “Warrior Ethos.” But carefully reviewing Hegseth’s books, television appearances, Congressional testimony, and paramour payoff reveals his philosophy for ditching allies like first wives, treating war negotiations like a big game of Risk, and repeatedly calling yourself a warrior.

Here are Hegseth’s best “easy outs” for serving allies and partners a big cold dish of reality:

America First, Yo: Hegseth warriors appreciate “Team America: World Police” as an excellent documentary with all they need to know about international relations. In it, American warriors had to defeat North Korea, but Europe was in the way and ended up as a junk heap. It was worth it in the end. The lesson is that what’s good for America is good for the world. Fuck yeah.