Portsmouth, Va. — Recruiting Coast Guard personnel will not be a problem anymore says Commandant Adm. Linda Fagan, who announced on Friday that the service will now offer up to $115 in Bed, Bath & Beyond® coupons to combat retention and recruitment challenges.

“These kinds of incentives will hopefully bring in more people who not only enjoy saving lives and conducting counter-narcotics trafficking operations but also those who love savings on the new Nestwell™ Pinstripe Cotton Linen 3-Piece Duvet Cover set,” Fagan said.

Much like other armed services, the Coast Guard “is combating a new enemy; not having enough E-2s and E-3s to scrub toilets and handle lines in negative 10-degree weather,” Fagan told attendees at the Military Retention Conference last Friday.

The Coast Guard has attempted several experimental programs to deal with the recruiting challenge, including offering new recruits one free ride on a helicopter, a basket full of scented soaps, candles, and hand lotion, and even allowing basic training recruits to wear any color sock they want for a week. The opportunity to “take a ride” on Coastie the Recruiting Robot Boat went as predictably badly as the reader might expect.