The Coast Guard has announced a party to end all parties, as every Coast Guard installation is being sent boatloads of wine coolers to kick off the um-teenth birthday of the USCG.

“Gosh, we’re pretty serious about this thing,” said John Sumpter, a Coast Guard spokesman.

“We’ve been making the cooks prepare deviled eggs for days. There’s going to be goldfish party trays, scavenger hunts and a unicorn floatie race. I heard a rumor we are renting chocolate fountains. Even this year’s theme is epic, Seas the Day!”