DIVE BAR ON THE EAST SIDE, Washington, D.C. — Following the Baltimore Ravens’ bold decision to stop playing good football in the third quarter of the AFC Championship last week, a flurry of online outrage erupted as right-wing incels were forced to watch footage of a healthy and mutually respectful heterosexual relationship. The same commentators normally enraged by anything other than “one man, one woman” relationships now allege that billionaire pop star Taylor Swift is a Pentagon-sponsored psychological operations asset secretly planted to secure a reelection victory for President Joe Biden.

“You know what, I really thought we were done with this shit,” said Pentagon spokesman Maj Gen Pat Ryder. “Seriously, just say that out loud and tell me what part of it sounds plausible. Taylor Swift is talented, successful, and happy. Do any of those words sound like the Defense Department to you?”

Deputy Secretary of Defense Kathleen Hicks tweeted a similar statement from an undisclosed location code-named the Puertogon: