JOINT BASE SAN ANTONIO-RANDOLPH, Texas — Controversy erupted this morning when members of the Junior Enlisted Servicemembers Union, better known as the “E4 Mafia,” stormed the Air Force Personnel Center to install an “alternate slate of evaluators” that would decide future promotions, sources confirm.

A mob of senior airmen on TDY orders rampaged the halls in a quest to unceremoniously retire Brig. Gen. Jefferson O’Donnell, who oversees promotion boards. “A few of them entered our campus saying they wanted to visit our ‘Coffee Bound’ boutique,” the general told a public affairs influencer on a NIPRNET livestream. “They held the doors open for the rest of their gang.”

This attempt to overthrow a military promotion board comes on the third anniversary of The Fall of Congress, when a mob of people whose lips move when they read marched on the Capitol to overthrow democracy and lynch Vice President Mike Pence in support of then-President Donald Trump.

Leading the mob was E4 Mafia enforcer and Air Force Senior Airman Butch Hawke. “We usually don’t give a fuck,” he bragged to the public affairs influencer, “but a totally corrupt board in November rewarded 437 assholes out of 506 senior master sergeants selected for promotion. We had to do something, fam.”