CHICAGO — When asked why he never joined the military, Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent Mike Ralston always has a new story ready.

“First, it was because of my girlfriend at the time. Then I thought about going to college. Then Pete Hegseth said it was too woke, and he was on FOX News last year, so he would know. Then I heard you had to get up before noon. So I waited. Then one day, I just realized I could serve my country right here at home. No basic training, no drill sergeant, no sand. Just service.”

Now 33, Ralston kicks down doors across Chicago as part of President Donald Trump’s “Operation Midway Blitz,” a mass deportation effort that’s netted hundreds of immigrants and a handful of U.S. citizens. He calls it his “second chance at patriotism.”

“I always wanted to do something that mattered,” Ralston said, pulling on a pair of tactical gloves outside an ICE field office. “Now I finally get to wear the uniform, carry a gun I had no idea how to handle like a month ago, and handcuff brown children naked in the street. I could think of nothing more American.”

Those close to Ralston say he talks about the military more than most people who actually served. His Facebook page is filled with American flags, Bible verses, and photos of himself holding large fish. His Instagram profile picture shows him standing in front of a black-and-white flag with a blue stripe through it, captioned, “Some of us still stand for something.”

Before ICE, Ralston spent four years as a “bouncer” at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Joliet, where he lived with his mom and “was seriously thinking about enlisting.”

“He wore combat boots to work, and for whatever reason, tucked his pants into them,” a coworker who wished to remain anonymous told reporters. “He’s kicked in every door here, which you think would be a fireable offense, but this is Buffalo Wild Wings, we’ve seen worse after Bears games.”

Ralston never did enlist. Instead, he got certified through an online law enforcement course that came with a free T-shirt and started applying to federal jobs that “required courage but not cardio.”

“Being an agent gives me purpose,” he said. “It’s like deployment, but the people speak English. Which was a big issue for me, because I struggle with that enough as it be hence thereforth.”

Ralston’s supervisor described him as “motivated” but admitted he tends to “overcompensate.”

“He is the exact kind of candidate we are currently recruiting,” Agent Rick Johnson said. “A true patriot, serving the law, while willingly ignoring it. Stevie Wonder couldn’t serve justice this blind, which makes me wonder, is Stevie Wonder documented?”

On raids, Ralston says he is usually the “first out of the van.” He calls the moment before an arrest “zero hour,” and even narrates everything into his body camera like he’s in a documentary.

“Civilians don’t get it,” he said. “We’re out here on the front lines, protecting the homeland. Sure, the targets might have kids and jobs and documentation showing they are actual citizens, but that’s just part of the fog of war, as my hero Eddie Gallagher would probably say.”